The control of your computer has now been assumed by . . .
The Infallible Adulthood Detector is even at this very moment sending out its Infallible, Impenetrable, Patented Adulthood Detection Rays through this specially programmed HTTP server, through the international telephone network, through your host computer, through your local network, computer, and monitor and DIRECTLY into the Officially Approved Adulthood Detection Device that was oh-so-cleverly implanted by Act of Congress on the interior of your skull three and a fraction days before your were born!
[Note: The preceding bloodcurdlingly insane cackle was sound emitted by an entire herd of deranged Congresscritters.
Some believe this is their mating cry; others consider it a sign they must be put out of their misery immediately.]
Putting all this fiendishly clever technology to a legally authorized and beneficent use,
The Official Authorized Extremely Complicated Yet Infallible Adulthood Detector
is hard at work and has determined that . . .
(whizz, whirr, whirlll, hummmmmmMMmmMMmmmMMMMMm,
snap-crackle-whoooOOOOOOOoooosh, clink-clank-clunk, hissssSSSSSSSSssssssssssssss . . . . . .
DOO-DEE-DUH-DEEEET-dooDEET!!!)
Congratulations! Go out and enjoy yourself! Buy a beer! Smoke a cigarette!
And damn the torpedoes--full speed ahead into indecent waters!!
Because you're an ADULT! YOU'RE ALLOWED!!!
Under the Top-Secret Adults-Only Code of Secrecy, which is administered by the Federal Communications Commission
and Many Other Important Sounding Federal Agencies With Unlimited Authority to Chuck You Directly
Into The Nearest Jail Whenever You Divulge Any Naughty Bits Unto Those Who Are Not Authorized Thereto,
I am now permitted to reveal to you the highly coveted URL, which leads directly
and unequivocally to the Indecency Page's Indecency of Indencies, and
which you must NEVER divulge to ANYONE at ANY TIME who has not been OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED
as an adult by The Official Authorized Extremely Complicated Yet Infallible Adulthood Detector!
And [a drumroll, please] the winning URL is . . .
We don't really want to, but quite unfortunately
we are required by the FOIA and other Highly Important Federal Laws Which Bureaucrats Such As Myself
Never Even Think About Disobeying, to make known the full and complete set of
data returned by the Official Authorized Extremely Complicated Yet Infallible Adulthood Detector,
which has been determined by law and Important FCC Regulations
to Infallibly Detect your
Adulthood and/or Lack Thereof. So here it is:
The time is:
04:04:07 Additional vitally important information: Daylight Savings Time is in effect.
You ARE indeed a certified and authorized adult!