Brent Hugh's
Phenomenal Internet Music Mall

Where even the Free Ice Water is Phenomenal . . .
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Introduction to H20!, the Free Internet Ice Water Plug-in

Despite recent increases in bandwidth, the Internet is still unable to carry our Free Internet Ice Water directly. Scientists the world over are slaving day and night to solve this serious deficiency in internet service, but in the meanwhile, our erstwhile programmers here at the Phenomenal Internet Music Mall have hacked together a small Free Internet Ice Water Plug-in.

Affectionately known as H20!, our plug-in is installed directly in Main Processing Unit (MPU) of the Chief Computer Operator (CCO) in your home or office, thus bypassing completely troublesome and bug-prone high-level computer languages.

This is breakthrough technology and we expect that a torrent of cheap imitation Free Ice Water Plug-ins will soon be flooding the net. Accept no substitutions!

H20! Installation Instructions

Following is the complete program for the H20! plug-in.

Please note that H20! is written in pure CCOMPUCIL (Chief Computer Operator Main Processing Unit Colloquial Instruction Language), the native language of many MPUs produced today.

To install the H20! program, simply render it with any of the commercially available CCOMPUCIL rendering units and place the properly rendered version within the specified operating distance of the MPU's Optical Scanning Devices (OSDs). Some manipulation of distance, angle, contrast, and brightness may be necessary, as OSDs are notoriously unreliable and maladjusted.

Once your MPU has accepted the program, you can expect your Free Internet Ice Water to be delivered after the customary delay and obfuscation which is an inherent part of your Main Processing Unit's operating design.

The H2O! CCOMPUCIL-coded Program

Remember to place a properly rendered version of this program within the specified operating distance of the MPU's OSDs. Then stand clear! MPUs may become dangerous or hostile while executing their programs!

  1. Go into your kitchen.
  2. Open the cupboard with your water glasses.
  3. Get a glass.
  4. Set it down somewhere where you will remember it.
  5. Open your freezer door.
  6. Get ice cube tray.
  7. Curse Wife/Husband/Roommate/Pet Dog/Cat/Goldfish/Aunt Bertha for using last ice cube and not refilling tray.
  8. Refill ice tray
  9. Insert in freezer compartment.
  10. Wait two hours.
  11. Go to freezer and check ice tray.
  12. Curse cheap **(*& freezer that never managed to work right since the day you shelled out $75 for it.
  13. Wait a further three hours (make that four hours if you left the freezer door open longer than 15 seconds . . . )
  14. Go to freezer and get ice tray.
  15. Go to cupboard to get water glass.
  16. Curse Wife/Husband/Roommate/etc. for using last water glass and not washing dishes.
  17. Load dishwasher.
  18. Wait one hour.
  19. Check dishwasher.
  20. Curse cholestorol medication/dust mites/lack of fluid intake/etc. for interfering with brain function.
  21. Turn on dishwasher.
  22. Wait one additional hour (incidentally not wasted time because by now Geraldo is on).
  23. Get original glass from where you suddenly remember putting it (dust mites must be down this afternoon).
  24. Leave dishwasher for Wife/Husband/Roommate/etc. to unload (it's the Internet Way . . . ).
  25. Find ice cube tray.
  26. Curse Wife/Husband/Roommate/etc. for leaving ice tray out and letting all ice cubes melt.
  27. Repeat as many of previous steps as necessary, as many times as necessary, to get fully functional water glass filled with ice.
  28. Go to tap and fill glass with water.
  29. For full effect, don't forget to bring your glass of Free Internet Ice Water in and set it down next to your computer, where you will have every opportunity to knock it over (probably by letting loose with an extra hard guffaw while enjoying one of the hilarious pages of home-grown humor which are often found on the Internet), thus frying your motherboard, hard drive, monitor, and printer in one fell swoop.
You have now completed installation of H20!, the Free Internet Ice Water Plug-in. Be sure to save the program in a safe place in your Main Processing Unit so you can run it again and again!

Over drinks of FREE INTERNET ICE WATER have been enjoyed so far, thanks to the kind generosity of

Brent Hugh's
Phenomenal Internet Music Mall

Where even the humor is Phenomenal . . .

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